Mindless Midnight Musings

Those Damn 90s

Those Damn 90s, later renamed Teen of the Nineties, is the first piece I posted on The Dreamersedge back in February 2005. As you can see, the website’s layout has changed considerably since then.

You know you were a teenager in the 90s when...

1. You’re sick and tired of that damn Cranberries song: zoh-ombie, zoh-ombie, ooh, ooh, SHUT UP!
   
   
2. You’re confused about the meaning of the word “irony”, and you wonder if Alanis Morissette ever got a hold of a dictionary.
   
   
3. You giggle like a school girl when you hear the words “master” and “domain” in the same sentence.
   
   
4. You start a “grandpa” speech about the good old days every time you see Saturday Night Live.
   
   
5. You believe violence against children is a terrible thing only if it doesn’t involve the Olsen twins.
   
   
6. You’re confused about your recent feelings of non-annoyance toward Brad Pitt.
   
   
7. You’re still annoyed at Macaulay Culkin though.
   
   
8. You mock the 80s relentlessly.
   
   
9. You remember when “interesting episode of Star Trek” was not an oxymoron.
   
   
10. When you hear the word “morphing”, you think of two things: Terminator 2 and Michael Jackson’s face.
    
    
11. You remember when Mariah Carey wasn’t a skank.
    
    
12. The mere mention of Bob Saget fills you with murderous rage.
    
    
13. You think grunge is music.
    
    
14. The name Christian Slater actually rings a bell.
    
    
15. You keep losing at poker because every time you get a full house, you sigh and mutter, “God, that show sucked.”
    
    
16. You think you’re witty when you re-enact a scene from The Simpsons. (You’re not. Really. You’re not.)
    
    
17. Your hatred for Sunny D commercials is only rivalled by your hatred for Pizza Pockets commercials.
    
    
18. Every time someone films you with a Handycam, you fear a football in the groin.
    
    
19. Every time you get a football in the groin or any other painful accident happens, you hear one of Bob Saget’s annoying voices being unfunny as hell.
    
    
20. When you hear of the bald eagle, you think of the triumphant return of Don Henley and company and of their live album Hell Freezes Over.
    
    
21. When you engage in home improvement, the image of a Neanderthal married to a moralizing shrew crosses your mind.
    
    
22. You can recall the fall of the U.S.S.R., the fall of good cartoon programming, and the fall of Michael Jackson’s face.
    
    
23. You briefly recall Arby’s Canada. (You would also recall barfing.)
    
    
24. You still consider Super Mario World and The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past the best damn video games of all time.
    
    
25. You associate the term “Pearl Jam” with music instead of porn.

2001-11-29

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