Mindless Midnight Survey: Mindless Midnight Answers

Due to popular demand, by which I mean two people inquired about it, I present you with my answers to the Mindless Midnight Survey.

Though I've made some editorial changes, please keep in mind that these comments were written a long time ago and don't necessarily reflect my opinion today. For example, I've forgiven John Stamos for Full House. The original survey is in blue:

You want my answers? You can't handle my answers.

INFORMAL FORMALITIES

What time is it, and while we're at it, what date are we? I will ask these questions again at the end of the survey to assess how much of your time I'm wasting.
It's 1:06 P.M., Eastern Standard Time. The date is September 21, 2003. Go! Go! Go!
What name(s) were you given? If there is more than one, at least include your actual name.
Names given to me include Dimitri, Larry, and That Stupid Jerk. In the category "Emasculating Pet Names Lovers Have Given Me", we have Honey, Sweetie, Cupcake, Cream Puff, Sugar Lump, Sugar Pie, and many, many more.
What name(s) would you have given yourself? If there is more than one, please indicate which your favourite is.
I tend to give the names I like to my characters, which I guess means I want to be called Flippy, except I don't. How about Nefarious? It's the moniker I use when playing Microsoft Hearts.
How old are you?
I'm old enough to feel like I'm not getting any younger.
How old do you feel?
Most times, I feel like a sixteen-year-old pretending to be thirty-five.

FREDDY VS JASON AND OTHER WORLD-DIVIDING ISSUES

Let's slowly ease into this with some multiple choice questions. Quentin Tarantino once said there are two kinds of people in this world: Elvis people and Beatles people. Which rock legend(s) do you prefer: Elvis or The Beatles?
The Beatles, hands down, and, like most music lovers of my generation, I'm much more interested in their later, more experimental work than in their earlier hits. Much to our parents' confusion, I'm sure.
Which cartoon-short series do you prefer: Disney's Silly Symphonies or Warner Bros.' Looney Tunes? For those of you not in tune (Get it? Tune/Toon.) with early twentieth century cartoons, the Silly Symphonies featured Mickey Mouse and friends. The Looney Tunes featured Bugs Bunny and company.
Disney's Silly Symphonies. It all comes down to tone and emphasis. The Looney Tunes are funnier because their creators prioritise humour. The Disney animators focus instead on creativity. Ranging from slapstick comedies to pictorial interpretations of famous ballets, their cartoons always offer something new and original. Sure, some Looney Tunes shorts are wildly imaginative, especially the ones inspired by classical music, but let's be honest: if you've seen one Pepe Le Pew cartoon, you've seen them all. As for tone, the Silly Symphonies are always good-natured and full of wonder, even the darker ones. The Looney Tunes, however, often strike me as mean-spirited, which usually ends up either frustrating, like the Roadrunner shorts, or just plain offensive. There are some truly horrendous racial stereotypes in there.
Which science-fiction franchise do you prefer: Star Wars or Star Trek? You might as well be honest. Each is geekier than the other.
Star Wars. What usually attracts me to a story is the human drama, which is, of course, severely lacking in Star Trek because of creator Gene Roddenberry's idiotic "no inter-human conflict" rule. Sure, the writers have found ways to bypass it, using extraterrestrial crew members as a source of drama, but that's always come off as rather xenophobic. As for George Lucas' famous space opera, Anakin, Luke, and company all have phenomenally simplistic character arcs, but at least the emotions are there. Besides, I find the clichés actually work to the story's advantage. Also, Star Wars now has Natalie Portman. You can't go wrong with that... Uh... You've foiled me again, Lucas!
If you're attracted to women, which part of their anatomy do you favour: breasts or legs? If you're attracted to men, which part of their anatomy do you favour: pecs or butt?
I choose breasts because I'm a romantic, and before you all roll your eyes in disapproval, I'd like to point out that when I rest my head on a woman's chest, I can listen to her heartbeat. When I put my head between her legs...
And, of course, which homicidal movie monster do you prefer: A Nightmare on Elm Street's Freddy Kruger or Friday the 13th's Jason Voorhees? For those for whom slashers don't quite slice it (I am the master of horrible puns), Freddy, the talkative burn victim with the claws, kills poorly raised teenagers in their dreams; and Jason, the silent zombie with the hockey mask, kills horny teenagers in the woods.
Freddy Krueger, no contest. Jason and Michael both embody the unstoppable in terms of terror: shoot them, axe them, decapitate them, blow them up, and they'll just keep coming back. Freddy, on the other hand, is more about the inescapable (how can one stop sleeping?), which I find more frightening. More importantly, Freddy's core metaphor about the dangers of going through life in denial or "asleep" strikes me as slightly more compelling than Jason's "sex is bad". Besides, you've got to appreciate a guy who delivers his scares dressed as a Christmas tree.

MINDIN' THE GUTTER

What is your idea of the perfect first date?
A delightful evening conversation that never seems to end and yet feels too short. As ideas, feelings, and trivialities are exchanged, the decor shifts from one quiet spot to the next, punctuated by long strolls. A silent moment, short but memorable, more comfortable than expected, precedes a hesitant but passionate goodnight kiss. The uncertain "Will I see you soon?" is replaced by an implicit "I will see you tomorrow." Ah, but look at the time. It's already tomorrow.
What would you wear on said important date?
I'd wear striped electric green and banana yellow pants, a mustard jacket, an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt, red shoes that aren't mine, a purple propeller hat, Hello Kitty hairpins, baby blue recliners, and a pink belt. If our date were to take place elsewhere than on Carnival World, the alternate dimension where the circus never stops, I'd have to go with clean underwear.
Have you ever loved someone so much it made everybody else cry? I'm kidding. What attracts you to someone?
I don't know if it counts, but I've loved girls so hard it made them cry. I just made a very dirty funny. Oh, and just so we're clear, that was a joke about rough sex.
What is the most foolish thing you've ever done for love? It doesn't matter whether or not it worked.
Having too many choices is like having no choice at all. For the record, it all worked though, except starting the Mindless Midnight Musings. I got absolutely no love from that.
What would you never do for a lover?
No orgies. If I wanted to share, I'd get a Kazaa account. Is Kazaa even still around? My girlfriend isn't.

ALTERNATE WORLDS THAT DON'T STAR WOLVERINE IN A DYSTOPIAN SOCIETY

What is your ultimate romantic fantasy?
It's night. The place is empty but for my silly flashlight, two lit candles, a cheap foam mattress, and our sleeping bag.

"This is it then." She turns around. "It's beautiful."

I hug my wife. Her hair is still wet. Our new home is clean now, ready for the big move. Our boxes and furniture will arrive tomorrow, and we've both had a long day. We shouldn't have returned after washing up at our old place. It crosses my mind that spending the night here is counter-productive. We'll need to rush back in the morning. Her eyes beg to differ. They tell me of our unborn children. Against this wall, near the kitchen, their height will be measured. My wife can already see the row of tiny markings reaching for the ceiling. I confess. I see it too.

"This house is ours," she observes. "Aren't you excited?"

She runs upstairs with the speed and joy of a child gone to get a favourite toy. I follow her to our home's smallest room. She inspects every wall and corner. Her expression is full of wonder as she slides her hand against imaginary furniture. "This will do nicely," she suddenly declares.

I quietly look around. "Only for a while," I add. "Teenagers tend to need more space."

She kisses me. Deeply. Passionately.

She turns around, leans on me, and folds my arms around her. She smiles.

"We're going to grow old together," she says.
Okay, what is your kinkier ultimate romantic fantasy?
It's night. The place is empty but for my silly flashlight, two lit candles, a cheap foam mattress, and our sleeping bag.

"This is it then." She turns around. "It's beautiful."

I hug my wife. Her hair is still wet. Our new home is clean now, ready for the big move. Our boxes and furniture will arrive tomorrow, and we've both had a long day. We shouldn't have returned after washing up at our old place. It crosses my mind that spending the night here is counter-productive. We'll need to rush back in the morning. Her eyes beg to differ. They tell me of our unborn children. Against this wall, near the kitchen, their height will be measured. My wife can already see the row of tiny markings reaching for the ceiling. I confess. I see it too.

"This house is ours," she observes. "Aren't you excited?"

She runs upstairs with the speed and joy of a child gone to get a favourite toy. I follow her to our home's smallest room. She inspects every wall and corner. Her expression is full of wonder as she slides her hand against imaginary furniture. "This will do nicely," she suddenly declares.

I quietly look around. "Only for a while," I add. "Teenagers tend to need more space."

She kisses me. Deeply. Passionately.

She turns around, leans on me, and folds my arms around her. She smiles.

"We're going to grow old together," she says.

Then we have anal sex.
What is your most bizarre dream or scariest nightmare?
I once had a dream about a hand in a white glove waving to me moments before my death. I wonder if that contributed to my fear of the Hamburger Helper mascot.
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
In the living room as my eldest complains about the baby crying all the time, my being a square, and the fact that I'm still answering this interminable questionnaire.
Who would play you in a movie?
Tyra Banks. My vision goes beyond superficial criteria such as race, gender, and acting skills.

ART ATTACK! YOU'RE GIVING ME AN ART ATTACK

What artistic oeuvre has most influenced you?
Written by Scott Rosenberg, Beautiful Girls (1996) is the film that made me decide to become a writer. My epiphany was prompted by young Marty, named for a grandfather she never even knew, Martin, so now she's Marty, just Marty, a girl named Marty. It is, she thinks, the bane of her existence.
If you were given an unlimited budget to create an artistic piece that best represents you, what would it be?
It would be a self-reflexive autobiographical film that's both fiercely irreverent and openly inaccurate. At the premiere, in mid-projection, I'd get up from the audience and shout, "Hey, this isn't me! I'm here, and he's there! I'm suing!"
In the same line, what sentence would best describe you?
"Fat one-eyed Xander sure loved his potato chips." No, that wasn't helpful at all. Meh. It'll do. You know, I should just go with that one: "Meh. It'll do." It's technically one sentence and an interjection though.
Okay, that's enough pretentious questions for one section. What is your favourite joke?
This joke has failed me more often than not, but I still stand by it:

"All right, let's go!"

"But we don't know where we're going!"

"That's only part of the human condition."
What is your favourite cliché?
"The medium is the message." If you don't consider that a cliché, then you've obviously never been in a room full of aspiring writers.

FRUITOPIA AND OTHER POP CULTURE REFERENCES

Would you rather have one wish granted today or three wishes granted in ten years?
I would choose the package with three wishes, so I can invest one on not feeling guilty about the others.
Would you rather be rich or talented?
I didn't realize they were mutually exclusive.
Would you like to continue playing this game or have the movie... No, wait. Uh... Just write what your favourite commercial is.
I would rather have the movie start, thank you very much. Anyway, I really like the teaser for Comedian (2002) in which renowned voiceover artist Hal Douglas uses every possible movie trailer cliché, infuriating his producer. Click on the link below to see it for yourself.

Comedian Trailer
What are the first five names on your List? The List, often mentioned in Friends, refers to a selection of people with whom you'd have sex no matter your romantic situation or commitment.
In this particular order:
1. Jessica Rabbit: It's not her specifically as much as the fact she's a cartoon. I figure some major laws of physics have to break down for this to be remotely possible, so I really shouldn't miss the opportunity.
2. Mystique: Who could pass up all that shape-shifting goodness? Also, I just want to stick it to John Stamos. The man owes me for Full House. He owes us all.
3. Queen Amidala: The spaceship ride to Naboo alone makes the experience worth it.
4. The She Spies: I don't even find them that attractive, but the tagline claims they're bad girls gone good. It has to be all three at the same time or no deal.
5. The Invisible Woman: Oh, come on, she's a super-hero! That's awesome.
What are the eight simple rules to dating you?
In no particular order:
1. Don't lie.
2. Be respectful.
3. Love.
4. Trust.
5. Laugh.
6. Tell.
7. Compromise.
8. Don't agree to any List.

ADULT CONTEMPORARY, COMIC BOOK ANNUAL, OR ANY OTHER EXPRESSION MEANING,
"I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT THIS"

What is the meaning of your life? Notice the possessive adjective.
"Your": possessive adjective associated with the person or persons the speaker is addressing.

"Life": noun designating the course of existence of a being.

"Your life": phrase designating the course of existence associated with the person or persons the speaker is addressing.
What is your guilty pleasure?
I love stupid puns and self-defecating humour.
When you're blue, what do you do to cheer yourself up?
I write, transforming my problems into epic tales that have absolutely nothing to do with the original issue. For example, this questionnaire was inspired by a paper cut I got while going through my mail.
What awesome question is missing from this survey?
"If your present consciousness was thrown back in time into the person you were ten years ago, what changes would you make to your life? Think of it as a permanent quantum leap into yourself." Anyone answering with a painfully moralizing discourse about our beings being forged by all our experiences, both positive and negative, would lose 150 points and acquire the MS Blaster virus on their computer.
What time is it, and what date are we?
It's 1:50 P.M., Eastern Standard Time. The date is October 3, 2003. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Find out my originality score

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