Mindless Midnight Survey: Mindless Midnight Originality

Now that you've completed the Mindless Midnight Survey, you can determine your overall level of originality by following the instructions below. The original questionnaire was put in blue for easy reading:

Disclaimer: This evaluation was put together by a team of twelve fictional psychologists during a period of five imaginary years and so is worth absolutely nothing.

All right, first things first: for every question you genuinely answered (which means no variations of "I don't know", "I don't remember", "n/a", or "I can't really answer that"), add 5 points to your score. To those who really couldn't answer the questions, relax: 5 points per question is not dramatic.

Wait. We're not done with the preliminaries. If you're a gal and just thought, "Damn straight, baby!", you just lost 5 points. If you're a guy and thought that, you gained 10 points.

Where was I? Oh, right. You lose 3 points for every time you wrote "n/a" instead of providing a reason as to why you're not answering, even if the reason is stupid. However, if you actually spelled out "not applicable", you gain 5 points for every time you did that.

INFORMAL FORMALITIES

What time is it, and while we're at it, what date are we? I will ask these questions again at the end of the survey to assess how much of your time I'm wasting.
If you answered without using any abbreviation or numerical symbol, you've earned 10 points. If you specified the year, you get 2 points. If you only used numerical symbols and punctuation, you receive 3 points. If your answer fails to meet any of these criteria, you get nothing.
What name(s) were you given? If there is more than one, at least include your actual name.
If your answer includes your middle name, add 1 point to your score for being precise and/or anal. If your answer includes nicknames, you get 1 point per nickname for broadening the question's apparent boundaries. If your answer includes a philosophical discourse or poetic inquiry like "What's in a name?", you lose 10 points for trying too hard.
What name(s) would you have given yourself? If there is more than one, please indicate which your favourite is.
If you've not provided an actual name, your severe lack of imagination has cost you 5 points. Subtract now. If your answer includes the name of any biblical villain such as Cain, Judas, or Lucifer, subtract 3 points from your score, you melodramatic fool. If your answer includes any title such as Lord or Master, you also lose 3 points because your ego is getting in the way of your creativity. This criterion includes fictional positions such as Grand Koopa and Jedi. Ironically, if your answer includes the name Darth Vader, I'm giving you 10 points because it's refreshing to meet someone so openly geeky. However, if your answer includes any name from The Lord of the Rings, you lose 40 points.
How old are you?
If you specified days and months, add 5 points to your score. I reward the anal. If you answered any variation of "not applicable", you get 20 points. You're funny.
How old do you feel?
If your answer is the same as the previous, subtract 5 points. You might as well have answered "n/a". If your answer is "-1.000542", you get 375 points. I accept no variation.

FREDDY VS JASON AND OTHER WORLD-DIVIDING ISSUES

In this section, you lose another 5 points for every time you failed to genuinely answer the question. Really! All you had to do is pick one. I don't care if you don't watch horror movies. That's why I added the character synopses. Subtract 10 points from your score for every time you failed to answer within the question's parameters: if you were given a choice between Elvis and The Beatles, for example, you'd be penalized for answering "Jimmy Hendrix". To be truly original, one must know the difference between being special and being annoying.

Let's slowly ease into this with some multiple choice questions. Quentin Tarantino once said there are two kinds of people in this world: Elvis people and Beatles people. Which rock legend(s) do you prefer: Elvis or The Beatles?
Add 100 points to your score no matter what. I don't care.
Which cartoon-short series do you prefer: Disney's Silly Symphonies or Warner Bros.' Looney Tunes? For those of you not in tune (Get it? Tune/Toon.) with early twentieth century cartoons, the Silly Symphonies featured Mickey Mouse and friends. The Looney Tunes featured Bugs Bunny and company.
100 points was a bit excessive. Subtract 99 points.
Which science-fiction franchise do you prefer: Star Wars or Star Trek? You might as well be honest. Each is geekier than the other.
If you wrote a lengthy essay to explain your answer, get a life.
If you're attracted to women, which part of their anatomy do you favour: breasts or legs? If you're attracted to men, which part of their anatomy do you favour: pecs or butt?
You lose 30 points if your answer is anything other than "breasts", "legs", "pecs", or "butt". There's nothing original about the inability to properly follow simple instructions.
And, of course, which homicidal movie monster do you prefer: A Nightmare on Elm Street's Freddy Kruger or Friday the 13th's Jason Voorhees? For those for whom slashers don't quite slice it (I am the master of horrible puns), Freddy, the talkative burn victim with the claws, kills poorly raised teenagers in their dreams; and Jason, the silent zombie with the hockey mask, kills horny teenagers in the woods.
I like mittens.

MINDIN' THE GUTTER

What is your idea of the perfect first date?
You lose 5 points if your answer features a bouquet of flowers at any point. If your answer involves more than two people, you gain 1 point per additional person. Kinky.
What would you wear on said important date?
Subtract 5 points if you answered any variation of "anything". If your answer mentions any article of clothing with which you have an emotional connection (like lucky socks), add 1 point to your score for every such article. You may be materialistic, but you are peculiar.
Have you ever loved someone so much it made everybody else cry? I'm kidding. What attracts you to someone?
If you answered "yes" to the joke question before your real reply, add 10 points to your score.
What is the most foolish thing you've ever done for love? It doesn't matter whether or not it worked.
If your answer involves sex or nudity, add 5 points to your score. Elaborate stunts that failed miserably also get you bonus points, 15 to be precise. If, however, your answer involves a missed opportunity or anything along those lines, subtract 10 points from your score. I asked for something you did, not something you... Uh... Not-did. If you suddenly felt compelled to correct my deliberately bad grammar, subtract 3 points from your score and lighten up.
What would you never do for a lover?
If your answer makes no mention of sex whatsoever, add 5 points to your score. If you're a gal and answered "anal sex", subtract 5 points. If you're a guy and answered "anal sex", add 10 points. Don't worry, ladies. I'll even the playing field soon enough.

ALTERNATE WORLDS THAT DON'T STAR WOLVERINE IN A DYSTOPIAN SOCIETY

What is your ultimate romantic fantasy?
If your answer is the same as for the eleventh question, subtract 15 points from your score. Also, if you failed to genuinely answer the question, well, that's just sad.
Okay, what is your kinkier ultimate romantic fantasy?
If you're a gal and answered "anal sex", add 10 points to your score. If you're a guy and answered "anal sex", subtract 5 points. I told you I'd even the playing field.
What is your most bizarre dream or scariest nightmare?
If you answered that you don't remember your dreams, that's not my problem. You lose 15 points.
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
If your answer involves a dystopian future in which mutants have become slaves and Wolverine is one of the few freedom fighters left, subtract 150 points from your score.
Who would play you in a movie?
Anybody who answered "myself" loses 20 points. I hate you.

ART ATTACK! YOU'RE GIVING ME AN ART ATTACK

The title of this section is a lame pun. If you can identify to what even lamer pop song it's referring, you get 1 point. Give yourself another 2 points if you know the recording artist's name.

What artistic oeuvre has most influenced you?
If your answer qualifies as pop art, you gain 3 points. If it qualifies as high art, you lose 2 points. Ironically, the pop art of artist Andy Warhol qualifies as high art. If you don't know whether your answer qualifies as pop or high art, just move on and forget this ever happened.
If you were given an unlimited budget to create an artistic piece that best represents you, what would it be?
Answers featuring performance art get 5 points. If you're not happy about it, you're taking this thing too seriously.
In the same line, what sentence would best describe you?
If your answer is completely devoid of first and second person pronouns, add 5 points to your score.
Okay, that's enough pretentious questions for one section. What is your favourite joke?
If your joke is sexist (toward either gender), you lose 5 points. If your joke features at least one blond, you lose another 5 points. If your joke involves dead babies, you're sick.
What is your favourite cliché?
Obviously, there was no way to be original. You lose 13 points.

FRUITOPIA AND OTHER POP CULTURE REFERENCES

Would you rather have one wish granted today or three wishes granted in ten years?
Fine. You get your 13 points back. Stop whining.
Would you rather be rich or talented?
If you followed your answer "talented" with a moralizing discourse about the fleetingness of wealth and material possessions, you lose 20 points for boring me.
Would you like to continue playing this game or have the movie... No, wait. Uh... Just write what your favourite commercial is.
If you referred to a Sunny D commercial, you don't lose any points, but I think you need therapy.
What are the first five names on your List? The List, often mentioned in Friends, refers to a selection of people with whom you'd have sex no matter your romantic situation or commitment.
You get 10 points for every non-celebrity on your list. Cha-ching!
What are the eight simple rules to dating you?
If you put "has to be human" as one of the rules, you lose 6 points. You're not funny. You're not.

ADULT CONTEMPORARY, COMIC BOOK ANNUAL, OR ANY OTHER EXPRESSION MEANING,
"I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO PUT THIS"

What is the meaning of your life? Notice the possessive adjective.
If you answered with a discourse on how life has no meaning and we should just enjoy existence without inventing or searching for deeper significances and blah, blah, blah, subtract 75 points from your score because you're not answering the question. I didn't ask for the meaning of life. I asked for the meaning of YOUR life, and you can't claim your life is meaningless because you're living it with ambitions, principles, and values that inject meaning into it. Not answering a question you were asked is not original. I should know. I used to work at a call center and people not-answered me all the time. If you suddenly felt compelled to correct my deliberately bad grammar, subtract 9 points from your score. You fell for it twice now.
What is your guilty pleasure?
If your answer involves food, you lose 5 points and gain 10 pounds.
When you're blue, what do you do to cheer yourself up?
If your answer involves food, you lose 5 points and gain 20 pounds.
What awesome question is missing from this survey?
If you just gained 30 pounds according to my scoring system, I think it's time to get those Winsor Pilates tapes out. What does it have to do with the question? Absolutely nothing.
What time is it, and what date are we?
Compare your answer with that of the first question. If you completed the survey in less than an hour, add 10 points to your score. If you completed it in less than half an hour, add 20 points. If it took you more than two weeks, add 5 points. Okay then, we're done.

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