Every Cloud Has a Silver Cliché: Inquisitive Minds Want to Preach

In November 2003, I compiled my reactions to three sappy, cliché-ridden chain letters. The last one was the most wrongheaded and irritatingly moralizing. Its theme is the value of time, which is ironic, given the nature and purpose of chain letters. Below is my reply to the e-mail. I put the original piece of spam in blue:

Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
If you can share it with someone special. If.

To realize the value of a sister, ask someone who doesn't have one.
And he or she will answer, "I don't know. I don't have one."
To realize the value of ten years, ask a newly divorced couple.
And they'll answer, "You gathered us here just for that? Don't you know we're going through a divorce?"
To realize the value of four years, ask a graduate.
And he or she will answer, "Don't ask me things. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do with my life now. I'm so old!"
To realize the value of one year, ask a student who's failed a final exam.
And he or she will answer, "Don't ask me things. I can't even pass a final. I'm so stupid!"
To realize the value of nine months, ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
Why in the world would you do such a thing? You saw her gaping emotional wound and figured, "Hmm, needs more salt"?
To realize the value of one week, ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
And he or she will answer, "Tell me you're not one of our journalists."
To realize the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
And they'll answer, "There was really no need to conference us. We're going to meet later."
To realize the value of one minute, ask a person who has missed the train, bus, or plane.
And he or she will answer, "I'm late for an important meeting. Either offer me a ride or get the hell out of my face!"
To realize the value of one second, ask a person who has survived an accident.
And he or she will answer, "Have you seen my arm?"
To realize the value of one millisecond, ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.
And he or she will answer, "Are you mocking me? I just won a silver medal in the Olympic Games. What have you done with your sorry life? Made up cheesy chain letters? Jerk."

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