Every Cloud Has a Silver Cliché: Fuzzy Claims from a Cracked Research Team

Is life getting you down? Are you stressed about your job, your finances, or your overly critical family? Perhaps some good old clichés can help lift your spirits. Below are extracts from the first of three painfully sappy chain letters with, of course, a few editorial comments from yours truly. I put the original piece of spam in blue:

Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
Please state your sources and study cases.

There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
And over thirty whom you would kill.
At least fifteen people in this world love you in some way.
Six of those in highly inappropriate ways; the other nine would turn away if they ever got to truly know you.
The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
And their petty envy has, in time, turned into murderous rage. Make no mistake. They want to hurt you.
Your smile can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
They will then know that you are clueless of their evil scheme.
Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
Their thoughts are cruel and violent.
You mean the world to someone.
The world is a wreck. Your someone knows that.
You are special and unique.
New cloning technologies will put an end to this nonsense.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
While the people who impact your life all hate you with a passion.
When you make the biggest mistake, something good comes from it.
Yes, your enemies get to laugh at your expense and throw a party.
When you think the world's turned its back on you, take a look around.
So you can see you're surrounded by asses.

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