A Time-Warped Valentine - DE Expressions

This is a webpage in which you are the hero! Remember those old role-playing fantasy novels? Consider this the Internet version of the concept. Whenever presented with a dilemma, click on your preferred course of action to jump to the next chapter of your saga.

Meeting the right person is hard enough in the real world, but it can be downright impossible with a reality-alterating monster on the loose. Your objective is to find love and fill your heart. Aww...

Click on this sentence to start your adventure.

1

The cab fare almost cleans you out, leaving you with little more than a dollar. It's not enough for the nightclub. Your friends go in without you. (Aren't they great?)

You use what money you have left to take the bus home.

You try to charm your way in by flirting with the doorman.

You attack the doorman, using your superior martial arts skills.

You go around back to see if you can sneak in.

2

The cab ride was rough and smelly. Your friends quickly exit the vehicle, leaving you to pay the driver.

You cough up the cash.

You bail like your friends.

You give the cab driver a pine-shaped air freshener.

3

Weren't you holding Flippy's ankles? As you release Flippy into the vortex, his essence interferes with Audrey's mystical gloves, destroying the timeline. Way to go, stupid.

You know what? Just start over.

4

With only seconds to spare, you head for the last oven, but Daphne stands in your way. You forgot about her, didn't you? As the two of you struggle, the timeline gets destroyed. Nice work, cretin.

You know what? Just start over.

5

I'm happy too. What's your point? Fine. You bump into a man named Alexei. Your mutual attraction is almost palpable. Before you can make a move, you see a man flung across the room by a strange creature. Alexei shouts, "Continuum!" and starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Alexei what the hell is going on.

You head home and pretend the night never happened.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

6

In an ideal world, courtship would transcend gender conventions. Unfortunately, this is not an ideal world. For one, you're playing this crazy game instead of going out on a real date. Please specify your sex.

You are a woman.

You are a man.

You are in transition.

Yes, please.

7

The nightclub is hosting a special comics-themed Valentine's Day party entitled "Stan Lee in Love", an event organized by a guy calling himself The Scott.

You decide you want to meet The Scott.

You decide to stay away from The Scott.

You say, "Hell, no!" and head back home.

8

You successfully pull Alexei out of the vortex. Now you can perhaps go on a date. Of course, the matter of the last oven remains unresolved, and you've just run out of time. Literally. The timeline is destroyed. Well done, you imbecile.

You know what? Just start over.

9

The cab ride was rough and smelly. Your friends quickly exit the vehicle, leaving you to pay the driver.

You cough up the cash.

You bail like your friends.

10

It's February 14, and your friends invite you to celebrate Valentine's Day at a swanky nightclub.

You and your friends depart immediately.

You have a few drinks at home first.

You'd rather play video games.

You wonder what "swanky" means.

11

Everyone claims to know The Scott, but no one can tell you where he is. It reminds you of The Great Gatsby, except with a guy dressed like a weird manga hero.

You go talk to the strange man.

You follow the strange man around.

You continue searching for The Scott.

12

Acting like a complete jerk turns out surprisingly ineffective. Daphne pushes you into the vortex, where your essence interferes with Audrey's mystical gloves. As a result, the timeline is destroyed. Good job, creep.

You know what? Just start over.

13

Flippy and The Scott have been good friends since high school. However, no one who actually knows The Scott calls him that. It's just Scott. Flippy asks if you want to meet him.

You answer, "Sure, sounds like fun," and follow him.

You answer, "I'd rather get drunk," and head for the bar.

You answer, "I'd rather pee," and head for the men's room.

14

The cab fare almost cleans you out, leaving you with little more than a dollar. It's not enough for the nightclub. Your friends go in without you. (Aren't they great?)

You use what money you have left to take the bus home.

You try to charm your way in by flirting with the doorman.

You attack the doorman, using your superior martial arts skills.

You have no martial arts skills but attack the doorman anyway.

15

Near the back entrance, you find a young woman with curly brown hair standing alone in the cold.

You go talk to her.

You attack her.

You try to seduce her.

16

From inside the creature's vortex, Audrey will activate her supernatural gloves, creating a ripple effect in the space-time continuum. Meanwhile, Daphne will crank up the last of the ovens. The resulting heat will convert the trans-dimensional ripples into an energy barrier that will confine the creature to a single timeline... Hey, you asked.

You ask Audrey to explain everything again.

You ask how you could destroy our timeline.

You shrug and figure it's like on Star Trek, when they divert shield energy to overload the reactor and somehow that's good.

17

Before you can make your move, the young woman hugs you and cautions you to stay inside. She opens the door to let you in.

You follow her advice.

You keep trying to seduce her.

18

Everyone claims to know The Scott, but no one can tell you where he is. It reminds you of The Great Gatsby, except with a guy dressed like a weird manga hero.

You go talk to the strange man.

You follow the strange man around.

You continue searching for The Scott.

19

The men's room is deserted, a rare occurrence in nightclubs. The walls open up, revealing a hole in the space-time continuum. A young woman with curly brown hair, an effeminate bloke with a ponytail, and a tall Asian man with tattoos are trying to escape the vortex.

You recognize Catherine and try to help her.

You recognize Flippy and try to help him.

You recognize The Scott and try to help him.

You don't recognize anyone, so you just get the hell out of there.

20

You take hold of Flippy's ankles, allowing him to grab three people inside the vortex. Among them is his girlfriend Catherine. Meanwhile, Audrey activates her mystical gloves, but Daphne refuses to crank up the last oven, an essential part of their plan.

You yell at Daphne and call her a stupid idiot.

You stare at Daphne to find out what's wrong with the stupid idiot.

You head for the oven to crank it up yourself.

21

You find Audrey at the bar. She's fine. The same can't be said of Flippy, whom you see flung across the room by a strange creature. Audrey shouts, "Continuum!" and puts on a pair of funky metallic gloves. She starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Audrey what the hell is going on.

You forget about Audrey and flirt with another woman.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

22

Flippy and The Scott have been good friends since high school. However, no one who actually knows The Scott calls him that. It's just Scott. Flippy asks if you want to meet him.

You answer, "Yes, I would love to meet your friend."

You answer, "No, his only appeal was in the definite article."

You answer, "I really need to go!" and head for the ladies' room.

23

It doesn't help. The monster creates a vortex that sucks you in. As you float in ether, the malevolent entity makes you a deal: it will reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you accept to relive the evening as a woman.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

24

The trans-dimensional creature bursts in. The man known as Flippy is on its back, hitting the monster with a golf club. The entity creates a vortex in which both Audrey and Flippy immediately leap.

You try to rescue Audrey

You try to rescue Flippy

You stay put.

25

You reach into the vortex but slip and get sucked in. As the portal closes over you, you see Flippy enter the ladies' room. Floating in ether, you hear a strange voice. The entity makes you a deal: it will reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you accept to relive the evening as a woman.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

26

Near the back entrance, you find a young woman with curly brown hair standing alone in the cold.

You go talk to her.

You attack her.

You try to seduce her.

27

As you flee the men's room, you bump into the woman named Audrey. Your mutual attraction is almost palpable.

You try to seduce her.

You attack her. Some women like it rough.

You call the narrator a homophobe and point out you're gay.

28

It turns out the trans-dimensional creature had set you up from the beginning, controlling your environment to guide your decisions. It had predicted you would come here and had notified Daphne in a dream. Daphne, who sees her ex regularly, was testing you to make sure you are indeed the creature's chosen one.

You ask where Audrey fits in all this.

You call them insane and go home.

29

"Call me Victor," the entity replies. "I have an offer for you: if you accept to relive this evening as a female, I will reverse the flow of time and erase all of tonight's events."

You accept the offer.

You decline.

30

Before you can make your move, the young woman hugs you and cautions you to stay inside. She opens the door to let you in.

You follow her advice.

You call her a freak.

31

The Scott's friends burst out laughing. They try to apologize, but you're too embarrassed to listen.

You go hide in the men's room.

You exit the nightclub through the back entrance.

You hurry to the bar to get drunk and forget this ever happened.

32

Audrey, an athletic blonde with clunky metallic gloves, enters the pizzeria and asks Daphne if you're legit. Daphne tries to answer, but she's too busy crying over her ex-boyfriend. The trans-dimensional creature bursts in. The man known as Flippy is on its back, swinging a golf club.

You run away.

You stand there, confused.

33

At the bar, you meet a charming blond who buys you a drink. You feel an instant rapport with her.

You try to seduce her.

You strike up a conversation with no ulterior motive.

You call the narrator a homophobe and point out you're gay.

34

The ladies' room is deserted, a rare occurrence in nightclubs. The walls open up, revealing a hole in the space-time continuum. A young woman with curly brown hair, a handsome bloke with a ponytail, and a tall Asian man with tattoos are trying to escape the vortex.

You recognize Catherine and try to help her.

You recognize Flippy and try to help him.

You recognize The Scott and try to help him.

You don't recognize anyone, so you just get the hell out of there.

35

The doorman is gay, so that works out well. Unfortunately, he rather enjoys gossip. He tells you about Philippe, your taxi driver, who used to work in a pizzeria but quit after he and his girlfriend broke up. Apparently, Philippe is still in love with his ex...

You let the doorman finish his story and enter the nightclub.

You go around back just to avoid his drivel.

36

Daphne tells you she and Philippe used to go out. She asks you what's become of him.

You tell her Philippe is a doorman and that he's finally moved on.

You tell her Philippe is a doorman and that he still misses her.

You tell her Philippe is a taxi driver and that he's finally moved on.

You tell her Philippe is a taxi driver and that he still misses her.

37

Near the back entrance, you find a young woman with curly brown hair standing alone in the cold.

You go talk to her.

You attack her.

You try to seduce her.

38

You find Alexi at the bar. He's doing just fine. The same can't be said of Flippy, whom you see flung across the room by a strange creature. Alexei shouts, "Continuum!" and starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Alexei what the hell is going on.

You head home and pretend the night never happened.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

39

Before you can make your move, the young woman hugs you and cautions you to stay inside. She opens the door to let you in.

You follow her advice.

You keep trying to seduce her.

40

Daphne, the only employee present, seems sceptical when you tell her she needs to crank up the ovens immediately in order to defeat an oncoming trans-dimensional beast.

You tell her you know Audrey.

You tell her you know Philippe.

You tell her you know The Scott.

You tell her you don't know squat.

41

Everyone claims to know The Scott, but no one can tell you where he is. It reminds you of The Great Gatsby, except with a guy dressed like a weird manga hero.

You go talk to the strange man.

You follow the strange man around.

You continue searching for The Scott.

42

You are too slow. The monster creates a vortex that sucks you in. As you float in ether, the malevolent entity makes you a deal: it will reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you accept to relive the evening as a man.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

43

Flippy and The Scott have been good friends since high school. However, no one who actually knows The Scott calls him that. It's just Scott. Flippy asks if you want to meet him.

You answer, "Sure, sounds like fun," and follow him.

You answer, "I'd rather get drunk," and head for the bar.

You answer, "I'd rather pee," and head for the men's room.

44

Good thinking: the pizza ovens might be able to generate enough heat to seal the trans-dimensional portal Alexei was talking about. The cab driver, whom you now recognize from earlier this evening, drops you off at his previous place of employment: The Pizza Place. Because you just lost someone, the ride's on him.

You enter The Pizza Place.

You change your mind and head for the ice exhibit.

45

The men's room is deserted, a rare occurrence in nightclubs. The walls open up, revealing a hole in the space-time continuum. A young woman with curly brown hair, an effeminate bloke with a ponytail, and a tall Asian man with tattoos are trying to escape the vortex.

You recognize Catherine and try to help her.

You recognize Flippy and try to help him.

You recognize The Scott and try to help him.

You don't recognize anyone, so you just get the hell out of there.

46

They left without you. Let's get back to the plot.

You ask Alexei what the hell is going on.

You head home and pretend the night never happened.

47

You find Audrey at the bar. She's fine. The same can't be said of Flippy, whom you see flung across the room by a strange creature. Audrey shouts, "Continuum!" and puts on a pair of clunky metallic gloves. She starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Audrey what the hell is going on.

You forget Audrey and flirt with another woman.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

48

You hail a nearby cab. Unfortunately, Alexei doesn't make it.

You tell the cab driver to take you home.

You tell the cab driver to take you to the ice exhibit.

You tell the cab driver to take you to a pizza place.

You tell the cab driver you don't want to live without Alexei.

49

They left without you. Let's get back to the plot.

You ask Audrey what the hell is going on.

You forget Audrey and flirt with another woman.

50

You reach into the vortex but can no longer find The Scott. Perhaps he was never there. You slip and get sucked in. Floating in ether, you hear a strange creature.

You ask the creature its name.

You shriek and tell it to leave you alone.

51

Before you can make your move, another man is flung across the room by a strange creature. Audrey shouts, "Continuum!" and puts on a pair of clunky metallic gloves. She starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Audrey what the hell is going on.

You forget about Audrey and flirt with another woman.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

52

You would've been very happy in the fifties. You blankly stare at each other for over ten minutes.

You change tact.

You tell yourself you shouldn't have to work at it: if the man were interested, he'd find you irresistible no matter what you do.

53

The Scott's friends burst out laughing. They try to apologize, but you're too embarrassed to listen.

You go hide in the men's room.

You exit the nightclub through the back entrance.

You hurry to the bar to get drunk and forget this ever happened.

54

Before you can make your move, another man is flung across the room by a strange creature. Alexei shouts, "Continuum!" and starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Alexei what the hell is going on.

You head home and pretend the night never happened.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

55

At the bar, you meet a charming blond, who buys you a drink. You feel an instant rapport with her.

You try to seduce her.

You strike up a conversation with no ulterior motive.

You call the narrator a homophobe and point out you're gay.

56

At the bar, you meet a charming man, who buys you a drink. You feel an instant rapport with him.

You try to seduce him.

You wait for him to seduce you.

You just strike up a conversation with no ulterior motive.

You call the narrator a homophobe and point out you're gay.

57

You hail a nearby cab. You recognize the driver from earlier this evening.

You tell the cab driver to take you home.

You tell the cab driver to take you to Audrey's place.

You tell the cab driver to take you to the ice exhibit.

You tell the cab driver to take you to a pizza place.

58

"Call me Victor," the entity replies. "I have an offer for you: if you accept to relive this evening as a male, I will reverse the flow of time and erase all of tonight's events."

You accept the offer.

You decline.

59
The monster creates a vortex that sucks you in. As you float in ether, the malevolent entity makes you a deal: it will reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you accept to relive the evening as a woman.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

60

The Scott's friends burst out laughing. They try to apologize, but you're too embarrassed to listen.

You go hide in the ladies' room.

You exit the nightclub through the back entrance.

You hurry to the bar to get drunk and forget this ever happened.

61

Daphne tells you she and Philippe used to go out. She asks you what's become of him.

You tell her Philippe is a doorman and that he's finally moved on.

You tell her Philippe is a doorman and that he still misses her.

You tell her Philippe is a taxi driver and that he's finally moved on.

You tell her Philippe is a taxi driver and that he still misses her.

62

The Scott's friends burst out laughing. They try to apologize, but you're too embarrassed to listen.

You go hide in the ladies' room.

You exit the nightclub through the back entrance.

You hurry to the bar to get drunk and forget this ever happened.

63

Audrey asks Daphne if you're legit. Daphne tries to answer, but she's too busy crying over her ex-boyfriend. The trans-dimensional creature bursts in. The man known as Flippy is on its back, swinging a golf club.

You run away.

You stand there, confused.

64

You would've been very happy in the fifties. Regardless, it doesn't seem to be working right now. Alexei seems a bit distracted, occasionally eyeing a blond across the bar.

You change tact.

You tell yourself you shouldn't have to work at it: if the man were interested, he'd find you irresistible no matter what you do.

65

It turns out the trans-dimensional creature had set you up from the beginning, controlling your environment to guide your decisions. It had predicted you would come here and had notified Daphne in a dream. Daphne, who sees her ex regularly, was testing you to make sure you are indeed the creature's chosen one.

You ask where Audrey fits in all this.

You call them insane and go home.

66

At the bar, you meet a charming man, who buys you a drink. You feel an instant rapport with him.

You try to seduce him.

You wait for him to seduce you.

You just strike up a conversation with no ulterior motive.

You call the narrator a homophobe and point out you're gay.

67

The trans-dimensional creature bursts in. The man known as Flippy is on its back, hitting the monster with a golf club. The entity creates a vortex in which both Flippy and the beautiful Audrey immediately leap.

You try to rescue Audrey.

You try to rescue Flippy.

You stay put.

68

As you flee the ladies' room, you bump into the man named Alexei. Your mutual attraction is almost palpable.

Guided by impulse, you immediately try to seduce him.

You wait for him to seduce you.

You call the narrator a homophobe and point out you're gay.

69

From inside the creature's vortex, Audrey will activate her supernatural gloves, creating a ripple effect in the space-time continuum. Meanwhile, Daphne will crank up the last of the ovens. The resulting heat will convert the trans-dimensional ripples into an energy barrier that will confine the creature to a single timeline... Hey, you asked.

You ask Audrey to explain everything again.

You ask how you could destroy our timeline.

You shrug and figure it's like on Star Trek, when they divert shield energy to overload the reactor and somehow that's good.

70

You would've been very happy in the fifties. You blankly stare at each other for over ten minutes.

You change tact.

You tell yourself you shouldn't have to work at it: if the man were interested, he'd find you irresistible no matter what you do.

71

Daphne is staring into the trans-dimensional portal. As you pull out Flippy and his rescued party, you notice two others struggling to escape the vortex: Philippe the cab driver and Alexei, Audrey's partner and long-time friend. You are running out of time.

You put your jealousy aside and try to rescue Alexei.

You keep your jealousy and try to rescue Philippe.

You try to crank up the last oven.

72

It turns out Alexei and the creature are linked. In fact, your new acquaintance came here to defeat it. However, the nightclub doesn't generate enough heat for him to seal the trans-dimensional portal.

You gather wood to build a fire.

You ask if reversing the polarity will help.

You do like everyone else and exit the premises, screaming.

73

I'm happy too. What's your point? Alright, fine. You bump into a woman named Audrey. Your mutual attraction is almost palpable. Before you can make a move, you see a man flung across the room by a strange creature. Audrey shouts, "Continuum!" and puts on a pair of clunky metallic gloves. She starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Audrey what the hell is going on.

You forget Audrey and flirt with another woman.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

74

Philippe is not in the mood. He's already told you about his feelings for his ex, and he's hurt that you're not respecting them. He asks you to pay the fare and get out.

You pay him and head for the nightclub.

You bail without paying.

You point out that the ride was on the house.

75

Flippy shrugs and walks away.

You stalk him.

You attack him.

You go to the bar.

76

You reach for Catherine but lose your balance and slip into the vortex. Catherine's boyfriend bursts into the room and pulls you to safety. The time warp closes. Grateful you tried to save his lover, the man called Flippy gives you some metafictional advice: "Investigate your heart at journey's end."

You worry about Alexei, so you run to him.

You don't know Alexei, so you run in no particular direction.

77

You quickly realize you don't know how to do that. The monster creates a vortex that sucks you in. As you float in ether, the malevolent entity makes you a deal: it will reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you accept to relive the evening as a woman.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

78

The doorman is gay.

You return home, defeated.

You go around back to see if you'll have better luck.

79

Flippy shrugs and walks away.

You stalk him.

You attack him.

You go to the bar.

80

Flippy tells you he has a girlfriend. She's keeping guard outside.

You go outside to meet this girlfriend.

You go to the ladies' room to meet this girlfriend. (You're a listener.)

You resume your search for The Scott.

81

Daphne is staring into the trans-dimensional portal. As you pull out Flippy and his rescued party, you notice two others struggling to escape the vortex: Alexei and Philippe, the cab driver. You are running out of time.

You try to rescue Alexei.

You try to rescue Philippe.

You try to crank up the last oven.

82

While you were drinking, your friends left without you.

You take a taxi to catch up with your friends.

You go to the swanky nightclub by bus.

83

By acting stupid in these final stages.

Now you want to know about the trap.

You want Audrey to explain everything again.

Your head hurts, and you just want to get on with it.

84

The strange man's name is Flippy. He claims to be stalking a malevolent entity that can reverse the flow of time.

You slowly back away from the freak.

You ask him if he knows The Scott.

You try to seduce him.

85

You will live to regret this. The nightclub is hosting a special comics-themed Valentine's Day party entitled "Stan Lee in Love", an event organized by a guy calling himself The Scott.

You decide you want to meet The Scott.

You decide to stay away from The Scott

You say, "Hell, no!" and head back home.

86

"Swanky" means "very fashionable". While you were searching the dictionary, your friends left without you.

You take a taxi to catch up with your friends.

You go to the very fashionable nightclub by bus.

87

Audrey activates her mystical gloves, creating a ripple effect in the space-time continuum. Unfortunately, Flippy's essence gets in the way of that. You saw him jump into the vortex. What did you do about it? Nothing. Incidentally, that's what's left of the timeline. Good going, moron.

You know what? Just start over.

88

The nightclub is hosting a special comics-themed Valentine's Day party entitled "Stan Lee in Love", an event organized by a guy calling himself The Scott.

You decide you want to meet The Scott.

You decide to stay away from The Scott.

You say, "Hell, no!" and head back home.

89

The strange man's name is Flippy. He claims to be stalking a malevolent entity that can reverse the flow of time.

You slowly back away from the freak.

You ask him if he knows The Scott.

You try to seduce him.

90

While you were drinking, your friends left without you.

You take a taxi to catch up with your friends.

You go to the swanky nightclub by bus.

91

You will live to regret this. The nightclub is hosting a special comics-themed Valentine's Day party entitled "Stan Lee in Love", an event organized by a guy calling himself The Scott.

You decide you want to meet The Scott.

You decide to stay away from The Scott.

You say, "Hell, no!" and head back home.

92

Before you can make your move, the young woman hugs you and cautions you to stay inside. She opens the door to let you in.

You follow her advice.

You call her a freak.

93

The strange man's name is Flippy. He claims to be stalking a malevolent entity that can reverse the flow of time.

You ask him if he knows The Scott.

You ask him if he wants help.

You tell him he needs help.

94

Fine. You passed the psychological evaluation; hormone therapy went well; and the final operation was a success.

You are now a woman.

You are now a man.

You are now a Klingon.

95

Flippy asks you to inspect the men's room. He's prowled there too often, and people have started to complain (especially stupid homophobes).

You head for the men's room: you're not afraid of stupid homophobes.

You head outside: you are afraid of stupid homophobes.

You resume your search for The Scott: you just don't care.

96

Near the back entrance, you find a young woman with curly brown hair standing alone in the cold.

You go talk to her.

You attack her.

You try to seduce her.

97

The young woman's name is Catherine, and she is helping her boyfriend hunt down a creature threatening the very flow of reality. She cautions you to stay inside, where you'll be safe from time warps. She then opens the door to let you in.

You follow her advice.

You offer your help.

You head back home, weirded out.

98

You die lonely and miserable.

You know what? Just start over.

99

Catherine asks you to inspect the men's room, the only place she can't freely access.

You enter the nightclub and head straight for the men's room.

You enter the nightclub and wander around.

100

Learn to read. I made a complete statement: "Please specify your sex." You can't answer "yes" or "no" to that.

You just clicked there to see what would happen.
You still think it was a funny joke.

101

Audrey knew what she was doing. She had a plan. As she activates her mystical gloves, a ripple effect is created from inside the vortex. Unfortunately, your essence gets in the way of that, and the timeline is destroyed. Congratulations, idiot.

You know what? Just start over.

102

The young woman's name is Catherine, and she is helping her boyfriend hunt down a creature threatening the very flow of reality. She cautions you to stay inside, where you'll be safe from time warps. She then opens the door to let you in.

You follow her advice.

You offer your help.

You head back home, weirded out.

103

Flippy tells you he has a girlfriend. She's keeping guard outside.

You go outside to meet this girlfriend.

You go to the ladies' room to meet this girlfriend. (You're a listener.)

You resume your search for The Scott.

104

"Swanky" means "very fashionable". While you were searching the dictionary, your friends left without you.

You take a taxi to catch up with your friends.

You go to the very fashionable nightclub by bus.

105

Audrey is Alexei's partner. The two are trying to stop the creature from manipulating you into destroying our timeline. They enlisted Daphne's help to set up a trap.

You ask about the trap.

You ask how you could destroy our timeline.

106

Catherine asks you to inspect the ladies' room, the only place her boyfriend can't freely access. (She can't do it herself because she's keeping guard.)

You enter the nightclub and head straight for the ladies' room.

You enter the nightclub and wander around.

107

You reach for Catherine but lose your balance and slip into the vortex. Catherine's boyfriend bursts into the room and pulls you to safety. The time warp closes. Grateful you tried to save his lover, the man called Flippy gives you some metafictional advice: "Investigate your heart before journey's end."

You worry about Audrey, so you run to her.

You don't know Audrey, so you run in no particular direction.

108

It's February 14, and your friends invite you to celebrate Valentine's Day at a swanky nightclub.

You and your friends depart immediately.

You have a few drinks at home first.

You'd rather play video games.

You wonder what "swanky" means.

109

Get your mind out of the gutter. You have more pressing matters. The monster creates a vortex that sucks you in. As you float in ether, the malevolent entity makes you a deal: it will reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you accept to relive the evening as a woman.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

110

Everyone claims to know The Scott, but no one can tell you where he is. It reminds you of The Great Gatsby, except with a guy dressed like a weird manga hero.

You go talk to the strange man.

You follow the strange man around.

You continue searching for The Scott.

111

Stop it! The young woman hugs you again and urges you to get inside.

You follow her advice.

You keep trying to seduce her.

112

All your guy friends instantly fall in love with you. They disappear just as quickly. The creature responsible tells you the flow of time must be moulded and opens a gateway to the nightclub, where you see your friends dancing.

You jump into the gateway.

You conclude you've gone insane and slaughtered your friends.

113

Stop it! The young woman hugs you again and urges you to get inside.

You follow her advice.

You keep trying to seduce her.

114

Flippy and The Scott have been good friends since high school. However, no one who actually knows The Scott calls him that. It's just Scott. Flippy asks if you want to meet him.

You answer, "Yes, I would love to meet your friend."

You answer, "No, his only appeal was in the definite article."

You answer, "I really need to go!" and head for the ladies' room.

115

A dozen nerds immediately surround you, twitching their wrists as if imaginary claws were popping out from the back of their hands: "No one disrespects Stan Lee!"

You beat them up.

You... Uh... No, you beat them up.

116

You end up in jail. You fall asleep in your cell. In your dream, you meet a strange creature who claims it can reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you agree to relive the evening as a man.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

117

You successfully pull Alexei out of the vortex, scoring major brownie points with Audrey. Of course, the matter of the last oven remains unresolved, and you've just run out of time. Literally. The timeline is destroyed. Well done, you imbecile.

You know what? Just start over.

118

The ladies' room is deserted, a rare occurrence in nightclubs. The walls open up, revealing a hole in the space-time continuum. A young woman with curly brown hair, a handsome bloke with a ponytail, and a tall Asian man with tattoos are trying to escape the vortex.

You recognize Catherine and try to help her.

You recognize Flippy and try to help him.

You recognize The Scott and try to help him.

You don't recognize anyone, so you just get the hell out of there.

119

By acting stupid in these final stages.

Now you want to know about the trap.

You want Audrey to explain everything again.

Your head hurts, and you just want to get on with it.

120

Feeling used, Philippe threatens to double the fare if you don't pay him now.

You apologize and cough up the cash.

You keep your money and demand an apology.

You bail without paying.

121

You take hold of Flippy's ankles, allowing him to grab three people inside the vortex. Among them is his girlfriend Catherine. Meanwhile, Audrey courageously activates her mystical gloves, but Daphne refuses to crank up the last oven, an essential part of their plan.

You yell at Daphne and call her a stupid idiot.

You stare at Daphne to find out what's wrong with the stupid idiot.

You head for the oven to crank it up yourself.

122

You find Alexi at the bar. He's doing just fine. The same can't be said of Flippy, whom you see flung across the room by a strange creature. Alexei shouts, "Continuum!" and starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Alexei what the hell is going on.

You head home and pretend the night never happened.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

123

The creature hopes to manipulate you into destroying our timeline. Audrey and her partner Alexei, who's now stuck in the beast's vortex, have vowed to stop it. They enlisted Daphne's help to set up a trap.

You ask about the trap.

You ask how you could destroy our timeline.

124

It never ceases to amaze the things women put in their purse. The cab driver is very grateful. He tells you his life story: his name is Philippe; he used to work at a pizzeria; and he still has feelings for his ex. The ride's on the house.

You thank him and head for the nightclub.

You pay him anyway.

You try to seduce him.

125

Daphne assures Audrey you're telling the truth. They start cranking up the ovens.

You ask them what's going on.

You help them crank up the ovens.

126

They left without you. Let's get back to the plot.

You ask Alexei what the hell is going on.

You head home and pretend the night never happened.

127

Daphne calls you a liar. Audrey knocks you unconscious. You wake up in your bed, lonely and miserable. Was this all a dream? No, it wasn't.

You know what? Just start over.

128

The conversation goes well. You learn his name is Alexei. He learns you have lousy friends somewhere in the club. Unfortunately, you're interrupted by a clumsy blond who drops her drink on your lap.

You go wash up in the ladies' room.

You attack the clumsy blond.

You leave the nightclub embarrassed.

129

Daphne, the only employee present, seems sceptical when you tell her she needs to crank up the ovens immediately in order to defeat an oncoming trans-dimensional beast.

You tell her you know Philippe.

You tell her you know The Scott.

You tell her you don't know squat.

130

Before you can make your move, another man is flung across the room by a strange creature. Alexei shouts, "Continuum!" and starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Alexei what the hell is going on.

You head home and pretend the night never happened.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

131

Good thinking: the pizza ovens might be able to generate enough heat to seal the trans-dimensional portal Audrey was talking about. The cab driver drops you and Audrey off at his previous place of employment: The Pizza Place. Because he's in a romantic mood, the ride's on him.

You enter The Pizza Place.

You change your mind and head for the ice exhibit.

132

Scott tells you about a dream he had. It involved a sci-fi concept called the multiverse and a bizarre entity named Victor. Victor told Scott you would meet tonight and left a message for you: "You will meet him at the bar."

You follow Scott's advice and head for the bar.

You go to the ladies' room to freshen up first.

133

The conversation goes well. You learn her name is Audrey. She learns you have lousy friends somewhere in the club. Unfortunately, you're interrupted by a clumsy man who drops his drink on your lap.

You go wash up in the men's room.

You attack the clumsy man.

You make a joke about your having already peed your pants.

134

The strange man leads you to The Scott, a boyish slacker with a "Captain Super" tee-shirt. The Scott is discussing comic books with his friends. He stops in mid-sentence to say he's been expecting you.

You address him as The Scott.

You address him simply as Scott.

You address him as you would a ten-year-old.

135

Scott tells you about a dream he had. It involved a sci-fi concept called the multiverse and a bizarre entity named Victor. Victor told Scott you would meet tonight and left a message for you: "You will meet her at the bar."

You follow Scott's advice and head for the bar.

You go to the men's room to freshen up first.

136

The strange man leads you to The Scott, a boyish slacker with a "Captain Super" tee-shirt. The Scott is discussing comic books with his friends. He stops in mid-sentence to say he's been expecting you.

You address him as The Scott.

You address him simply as Scott.

You address him as you would a ten-year-old.

137

The strange man leads you to The Scott, a boyish slacker with a "Captain Super" tee-shirt. The Scott is discussing comic books with his friends. He stops in mid-sentence to say he's been expecting you.

You address him as The Scott.

You address him simply as Scott.

You beat up the stupid nerd.

138

Scott tells you about a dream he had. It involved a sci-fi concept called the multiverse and a bizarre entity named Victor. Victor told Scott you would meet tonight and left a message for you: "You will meet him at the bar."

You follow Scott's advice and head for the bar.

You go to the ladies' room to freshen up first.

139

As you flee the men's room, you bump into the woman named Audrey. Your mutual attraction is almost palpable.

You try to seduce her.

You attack her. Some women like it rough.

You call the narrator a homophobe and point out you're gay.

140

You would've been very happy in the fifties. Regardless, it doesn't seem to be working right now. Alexei seems a bit distracted, occasionally eyeing a blond across the bar.

You change tact.

You tell yourself you shouldn't have to work at it: if the man were interested, he'd find you irresistible no matter what you do.

141

It turns out Audrey is some sort of super-hero. She came here to destroy the creature. However, the nightclub doesn't generate enough heat for her to seal the trans-dimensional portal (whatever that means).

You gather wood to build a fire.

You try reversing the polarity.

You do like everyone else and exit the premises, screaming.

142

The conversation goes well. You learn his name is Alexei. He learns you have lousy friends somewhere in the club. Unfortunately, you're interrupted by a clumsy blond who drops her drink on your lap.

You go wash up in the ladies' room.

You attack the clumsy blond.

You leave the nightclub embarrassed.

143

You reach for Catherine but lose your balance and slip into the vortex. Catherine's boyfriend bursts into the room and pulls you to safety. The time warp closes. Grateful you tried to save his lover, the man called Flippy gives you some metafictional advice: "Investigate your heart at journey's end."

You worry about Audrey, so you run to her.

You don't know Audrey, so you run in no particular direction.

144

As you flee the ladies' room, you bump into the man named Alexei. Your mutual attraction is almost palpable.

Guided by impulse, you immediately try to seduce him.

You wait for him to seduce you.

You call the narrator a homophobe and point out you're gay.

145

Flippy asks you to inspect the men's room. He's prowled there too often, and people have started to complain (especially stupid homophobes).

You head for the men's room: you're not afraid of stupid homophobes.

You head outside: you are afraid of stupid homophobes.

You resume your search for The Scott: you just don't care.

146

Let me get this straight: because you're gay, you find the idea of conversing with the opposite sex offensive? Fine. You die lonely and miserable.

You know what? Just start over.

147

The strange man's name is Flippy. He claims to be stalking a malevolent entity that can reverse the flow of time.

You ask him if he knows The Scott.

You ask him if he wants help.

You tell him he needs help.

148

You reach into the vortex but slip and get sucked in. As the portal closes over you, you see Flippy enter the ladies' room. Floating in ether, you hear a strange voice. The entity makes you a deal: it will reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you accept to relive the evening as a man.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

149

Catherine asks you to inspect the men's room, the only place she can't freely access.

You enter the nightclub and head straight for the men's room.

You enter the nightclub but wander around.

150

Okay... You visit the ice exhibit. It's beautiful. You see sculptures of swans, famous landmarks, celebrities, etc. Your favourite is an abstract piece representing abandonment and cowardice. It touches you on a profound level. Incidentally, you die lonely and miserable.

You know what? Just start over.

151

The young woman's name is Catherine, and she is helping her boyfriend hunt down a creature threatening the very flow of reality. She cautions you to stay inside, where you'll be safe from time warps. She then opens the door to let you in.

You follow her advice.

You offer your help.

You head back home, weirded out.

152

The creature runs after you. You hail a nearby cab. Unfortunately, the driver recognizes you from earlier this evening and refuses to let you in. You have a heart attack and die lonely and miserable.

You know what? Just start over.

153

You end up in jail. You fall asleep in your cell. In your dream, you meet a strange creature who claims it can reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you agree to relive the evening as a woman.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

154

The monster creates a vortex that sucks you in. As you float in ether, the malevolent entity makes you a deal: it will reverse the flow of time, erasing all that's just happened, if you accept to relive the evening as a man.

You accept the offer.

You decline.

155

The conversation goes well. You learn her name is Audrey. She learns you have lousy friends somewhere in the club. Unfortunately, you're interrupted by a clumsy man who drops his drink on your lap.

You go wash up in the men's room.

You attack the clumsy man.

You make a joke about your having already peed your pants.

156

It turns out Alexei and the creature are linked. In fact, your new acquaintance came here to defeat it. However, the nightclub doesn't generate enough heat for him to seal the trans-dimensional portal.

You gather wood to build a fire.

You ask if reversing the polarity will help.

You do like everyone else and exit the premises, screaming.

157

Scott tells you about a dream he had. It involved a sci-fi concept called the multiverse and a bizarre entity named Victor. Victor told Scott you would meet tonight and left a message for you: "You will meet her at the bar."

You follow Scott's advice and head for the bar.

You go to the men's room to freshen up first.

158

Audrey, an athletic blond with metallic gloves, enters the pizzeria. She calls you a liar and knocks you unconscious. You wake up in your bed, lonely and miserable. Was this all a dream? No, it wasn't.

You know what? Just start over.

159

The strange man leads you to The Scott, a boyish slacker with a "Captain Super" tee-shirt. The Scott is discussing comic books with his friends. He stops in mid-sentence to say he's been expecting you.

You address him as The Scott.

You address him simply as Scott.

You beat up the stupid nerd.

160

You reach for Catherine but lose your balance and slip into the vortex. Catherine's boyfriend bursts into the room and pulls you to safety. The time warp closes. Grateful you tried to save his lover, the man called Flippy gives you some metafictional advice: "Investigate your heart before journey's end."

You worry about Alexei, so you run to him.

You don't know Alexei, so you run in no particular direction.

161

Before you can make your move, another man is flung across the room by a strange creature. Audrey shouts, "Continuum!" and puts on a pair of clunky metallic gloves. She starts shooting lasers at the monster.

You ask Audrey what the hell is going on.

You forget about Audrey and flirt with another woman.

You realize you completely forgot about your friends.

162

Daphne calls you a liar. Audrey, an athletic blond with clunky metallic gloves, enters the pizzeria and knocks you unconscious. You wake up in your bed, lonely and miserable. Was this all a dream? No, it wasn't.

You know what? Just start over.

163

You reach into the vortex but can no longer find The Scott. Perhaps he was never there. You slip and get sucked in. Floating in ether, you hear a strange creature.

You ask the creature its name.

You shriek and tell it to leave you alone.

164

Catherine asks you to inspect the ladies' room, the only place her boyfriend can't freely access. (She can't do it herself because she's keeping guard.)

You enter the nightclub and head straight for the ladies' room.

You enter the nightclub and wander around.

165

Hey, you've found the bonus! It looks like you took Flippy's advice to heart. In keeping with the theme, here's my Microsoft Hearts all-time record, which I'm sure will impress the ladies out there. Incidentally, I achieved it on February 7, 2004, and, yes, I was single at the time.

That was lame. You want to get back to the story's conclusion.

166

They left without you. Let's get back to the plot.

You ask Audrey what the hell is going on.

You forget about Audrey and flirt with another woman.

167

Audrey, an athletic blonde with clunky metallic gloves, enters the pizzeria. Daphne assures her you're telling the truth. They start cranking up the ovens.

You ask them what's going on.

You help them crank up the ovens.

168

It turns out Audrey is some sort of super-hero. She came here to destroy the creature. However, the nightclub doesn't generate enough heat for her to seal the trans-dimensional portal (whatever that means).

You gather wood to build a fire.

You try reversing the polarity.

You do like everyone else and exit the premises, screaming.

169

The young woman's name is Catherine, and she is helping her boyfriend hunt down a creature threatening the very flow of reality. She cautions you to stay inside, where you'll be safe from time warps. She then opens the door to let you in.

You follow her advice.

You offer your help.

You head back home, weirded out.

170

Daphne shakes her head at Audrey, who knocks you unconscious. You wake up in your bed, lonely and miserable. Was this all a dream? No, it wasn't.

You know what? Just start over.

171

As soon as you pull Philippe out of the vortex, Daphne cranks up the last oven. She couldn't bear the thought of leaving him inside the time warp. She still loves him.

The plan works: the heat from the ovens becomes an energy barrier that seals the trans-dimensional portal. The vortex sucks itself into oblivion, taking Audrey, Alexei, and the creature along with it.

Catherine and Flippy hold each other lovingly. Daphne and Philippe kiss passionately. You may have lost a prospect, but as you look around and see the couples you saved, you realize you have indeed found love tonight, and the thought fills your heart.

Still, you can't help but wonder if this is truly a cheesy ending...

Or if it's just the cheesy beginning!

The end.

Congratulations! You've completed A Time-Warped Valentine!

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