May and June 2008 - DE Expressions

We have a bit of a mixed bag this month. Once again, I answer the first post on every message board for my latest AskMen.com articles, and because variety is the spice of life, I respond to some spam as well as, believe it or not, genuine fan mail.

Once again, AskMen.com accepts no responsibility for the content of its message boards. As such, the posts are considered public domain. Also note that AskMen.com is not accountable for my inane responses, so just leave them alone.

Our first comment is in response to the Office Party Survival Guide over at AskMen.com. It's a suggestion for a sixth section in the article.

6-Take plenty of Xeroxes of your butt to hand out.

Sharty

That's an interesting idea, Sharty. However, if you get someone else to distribute those photocopies, make sure you don't get your ass handed to you. Get it? Never mind.

Now here's one from the Top 10 Babe-Rich Industries message board.

Nice... But it's too late for me to switch to these industries.

Karma

Thank you for the kind words, Karma. I'm glad you're sticking with your current occupation. As you've surely guessed, the article was mostly meant as a lighthearted fluff piece, and I really, really, really, really, really, really don't recommend anyone choosing a career path based on how many hot women work in the same field. You should choose your career path based on how many hot women you can buy (I'm kidding! I'm kidding!).

Okay, let's answer some good old-fashioned junk mail. Web addresses were removed to avoid giving spammers free advertisement.

Dear Business Owner,

We are the recognized world leader in generating top rankings for our clients on the Internet. If you partner with us we will help you achieve your Internet marketing objectives and more by:

Generating top organic rankings
Custom solutions for your website
Timely quantifiable metrics to evaluate your progress.
Guaranteeing an ongoing maintenance program that will keep you positioned in the forefront of your industry on the Internet.

With your permission, I would like to send you a detailed proposal describing how we can assist your company in reaching your Internet sales goals.

Sincerely,

Barry Burns

Barry, I'm afraid I can't accept any proposal until somebody explains to me just what an organic ranking is meant to be. Is it a measurement of the living tissue on my website (I'm pretty sure that amounts to zero), or is it a genetically-engineered abomination born of the fusion of ranking DNA with armadillo stem cells, the product of science gone mad and boundless human arrogance? Come to think of it, is anyone regulating the organic quality of your rankings? For all I know, you could be growing your organic rankings in the same fields as your regular rankings, using the same chemical products, and then slapping an "organic" label on the package to sell them at twice the price. Incidentally, the DE website doesn't have sales goals.

Finally, here's another piece of spam just for posterity.

Dear Website Owner,

If I could get you five times the RELEVANT traffic at a substantially reduced cost would you be interested? We can place your website on top of the Natural Listings on Google, Yahoo and MSN. Our Search Engine Optimization team delivers more top rankings than anyone else and we can prove it. We do not use "link farms" or "black hat" methods that Google and the other search engines frown upon and can use to de-list or ban your site. The techniques are proprietary, involving some valuable closely held trade secrets. Our prices are less than half of what other companies charge.

I would be happy to send you a proposal using the top search phrases for your area of expertise. Please contact me at your convenience so I can start saving you some money. Please do not hesitate to email or call me if you would like further information.

Sincerely,

Neal Stone

You can't fool me, Neal. You may have used a different e-mail account, a different name, and a different font (the original e-mail was in Calibri), but I know you're really Barry... Or maybe Barry is really you. Never mind. The point is that you guys offer the same service and have the exact same address, and if you're not the same person, you really need to coordinate better. Besides, "no" means "no", Neal... Or Barry. "No" means "no"! This is worse than a Quebec referendum.

Let's get to some real fan mail. Our first letter comes from an Irish reader who wrote this website about one of my articles over at AskMen.com: How to Deal with Customer Service. That's kind of neat.

Heh, pretty funny. Wonder if that would work here [in Ireland] though. Sometimes, when I call, it feels like no one is actually supervising them!

Joseph

I'm glad you like the article, Joseph, though I must confess I wasn't actually going for humour with that piece. For some reason, I'm suddenly reminded of the last time I took off my pants in front a woman. Anyway, I'm trying to find something witty to write about Irish customer service without resorting to offensive stereotypes about greedy alcoholics picking fights with complete strangers. Unfortunately, I'm drawing a blank right now, which, incidentally, also reminds me of the last time I took off my pants in front of a woman.

This next one is possibly the only non-homophobic feedback I ever got for Bat-Mystery Solved. That's really neat.

Hey,

I just read your well-informed, well-written opinion on Batman's sexuality. Well done.

Yannis

Thanks for the kind words, Yannis. You can't imagine how much hate mail I got for that article. You'd figure comic book fanboys would be more open to homosexuality, considering most of them have never known the touch of a woman. Anyway, I might as well take this opportunity to plug your own Internet project, which, I'm sure, attracts a lot of drunken Irishmen fighting over pennies (I'm kidding! Everyone knows whisky is from Scotland!):

The Montreal Companions of the Quaich Whisky Society

A few days ago, in a vain attempt to boost my pathetic self-esteem (which again reminds me of the last time I took off my pants in front of a woman), I typed in my own name on an Internet search engine and found a Christian website recommending one of my articles. That's just freaking awesome.

The following is just an excerpt. Click on the link below to read the full blog:

Jim Lange Blog

Hopefully, you have a heart that wants to lead from a Biblical standpoint—the way Jesus, Moses, Joseph, Paul and other great leaders led [...] I understand we all fall down and that is to be expected. However, if your heart is in the right place, that is what matters.

However, how do you handle someone who is not this way? What if they are your boss, and they're a really bad boss? I came across an article by Dimitri Ly that I think you'll find interesting. It contains some good advice on how to handle a difficult boss. I hope you enjoy!

Jim Lange

Thank you so much for recommending my article Manage a Bad Boss from AskMen.com. As you may have guessed, I didn't really write it with a spiritual angle in mind, which is why I was so tickled to see that association made on your website. I love it when even my most practical pieces take a life of their own. I don't actually have anything witty, sarcastic, or even absurd to add. This really made my day.

On that uplifting note, I leave you with these thoughts: "greedy Irish drunks picking a fight" and "my pants off in front of a woman".

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