© Copyright EMI Records Limited
Following the numerous jokes I made at the expense of the Internet “get to know you” surveys that keep flooding my mailbox, I was asked to produce one of my own. I try never to back down from a challenge, so feel free to litter the World Wide Web with this e-mail questionnaire, which is equipped with its own scoring system to assess originality.
To participate in this frivolous activity, please copy the questions below and answer them honestly and in good faith. Then forward your hard work to your friends, family, and colleagues (no, not to the C.E.O. of your company, you fool): whoever will appreciate your ravings. Finally, await the eventual reading material from your buddies.
Informal Formalities
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What time is it and, while we’re at it, what date are we? I will ask these questions again at the end of the survey to assess how much of your time I’m wasting.
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What name(s) were you given? If there is more than one, at least include your actual name.
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What name(s) would you have given yourself? If there is more than one, please indicate which your favourite is.
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How old are you?
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How old do you feel?
Freddy vs Jason and Other World-Dividing Issues
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Let’s slowly ease into this with some multiple choice questions. Quentin Tarantino once said there are two kinds of people in this world: Elvis people and Beatles people. Which rock legend(s) do you prefer: Elvis or The Beatles?
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Which cartoon-short series do you prefer: Disney’s Silly Symphonies or Warner Bros’ Looney Tunes? For those of you not in tune (Get it? Tune, toon?) with early twentieth century cartoons, the Silly Symphonies featured Mickey Mouse and friends. The Looney Tunes featured Bugs Bunny and company.
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Which science-fiction franchise do you prefer: Star Wars or Star Trek? You might as well be honest. Each is geekier than the other.
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If you’re attracted to women, which part of their anatomy do you favour: breasts or legs? If you’re attracted to men, which part of their anatomy do you favour: pecs or butt?
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And, of course, which homicidal movie monster do you prefer: A Nightmare on Elm Street’s Freddy Kruger or Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees? For those for whom slashers don’t quite slice it (I am the master of horrible puns), Freddy, the talkative burn victim with the claws, kills poorly raised teenagers in their dreams; and Jason, the silent zombie with the hockey mask, kills horny teenagers in the woods.
Mindin’ the Gutter
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What is your idea of the perfect first date?
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What would you wear on said important date?
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Have you ever loved someone so much it made everybody else cry? I’m kidding. What attracts you to someone?
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What is the most foolish thing you’ve ever done for love? It doesn’t matter whether or not it worked.
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What would you never do for a lover?
Alternate Worlds That Don’t Star Wolverine in a Dystopian Society
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What is your ultimate romantic fantasy?
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Okay, what is your kinkier ultimate romantic fantasy?
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What is your most bizarre dream or scariest nightmare?
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Where do you see yourself in ten years?
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Who would play you in a movie?
Art Attack! You’re Giving me an Art Attack!
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What artistic oeuvre has most influenced you?
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If you were given an unlimited budget to create an artistic piece that best represents you, what would it be?
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In the same line, what sentence would best describe you?
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Okay, that’s enough pretentious questions for one section. What is your favourite joke?
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What is your favourite cliché?
Fruitopia and Other Pop Culture References
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Would you rather have one wish granted today or three wishes granted in ten years?
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Would you rather be rich or talented?
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Would you like to continue playing this game or have the movie… No, wait. Uh… Just write what your favourite commercial is.
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What are the first five names on your List? The List, often mentioned in Friends, refers to a selection of people with whom you’d have sex no matter your romantic situation or commitment.
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What are the eight simple rules to dating you?
Adult Contemporary, Comic Book Annual, or Any Other Expression Meaning, “I Don’t Know Where to Put This”
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What is the meaning of your life? Notice the possessive adjective.
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What is your guilty pleasure?
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When you’re blue, what do you do to cheer yourself up?
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What awesome question is missing from this survey?
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What time is it, and what date are we?
Now that you’ve completed the survey, you can determine your overall level of originality by following the instructions on the next page.
Calculate Your Originality Score
