Super-Hero Tabloid: From X to XXX

Disclaimer: The comic book excerpts presented in this article have not been altered in any way. Only their context was removed.

The staff of the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, home of the X-Men and controversial school for "gifted" youngsters, may face criminal charges after shocking evidence of sexual misconduct was uncovered in various Silver Age comic books. As evidenced by this excerpt from The X-Men #53, even Cerebro, the heroes' mutant-detecting computer, engaged in lewd behaviour with the students.

Heading the investigation is Dr Valerie Cooper, former X-Factor liaison and advisor for the Commission on Superhuman Activities. "This is about the safety of our children," explains the chronically inconsistent character. "It's obvious the Xavier Institute's faculty isn't following the U.S. government's abstinence education program."

Current headmistress Emma Frost views things differently: "Oh, please! I teach class wearing nothing but a corset and a white thong. I couldn't possibly care less about the state abstinence grant. What I'd like to know is why everyone refuses to blame my boyfriend's harpy of an ex-wife, Marvel Girl. Far be it for me to speak ill of the dead, but then again, she's probably going to be brought back to life in a couple of months, so I really don't see why I should care. That little harlot had every X-Male wrapped around her finger, including the school's only teacher, Professor X. The old goat was more worried about his handicap turning her off than he was about statutory rape."

Evidence supporting Emma Frost's theory can indeed be found throughout Marvel Girl's life, even though she spent most of it dead. Could the secretion of super-pheromones be part of the young woman's mutation? Victims of her mysterious powers of seduction include prominent mutants such as Angel, Cyclops, his brother Havok (in an alternate reality), Mastermind, Professor X, her own son X-Man (in multiple alternate realities), and Wolverine, who had this to say: "I'm the best at what I do, Bub! Grr!"

Our anonymous source was more helpful: "Oh, my stars and garters! It behoves me to adduce that my sybaritic colleague, the erstwhile White Queen, was not a condisciple of the primogenial X-Men, else she'd cognize that I was never concupiscent for the pulchritudinous Marvel Girl and that my catercousin Iceman was too enraptured in his tickling games with Angel to notice her."

Excerpts from issues 7 and 19 of The X-Men confirm Angel and Iceman's kinky activities, but they raise more questions. Was Iceman really a member of the British gentry, or was role-playing part of the duo's erotic game? Why was he put in charge of a giant's dental hygiene? Was this mysterious giant forced to partake in the X-men's acts of perversion?

"These shameless displays of debauchery are further proof that mutants are creatures of sin," claims Rev. Stryker, founder of the Purifiers. "It's not just Xavier's kids. The Vanisher was also known for his deviant urges. If left unchecked, the mutant threat will lead us all astray!"

According to Bernard the Poet, who's currently suing Huey Lewis and the News for plagiarism, the X-Men's indecent behaviour had a strange effect on the human clientele of Coffee a Go-Go, a bistro near the Xavier Institute: "It was wild, man! All the cool cats in the joint were rapping about rock and roll and making groovy innuendos. I didn't think the drags at the Comics Code Authority would dig it!"

Lucas Bishop, mutant representative of the United Nations' X-treme Sanctions Executive and walking continuity mess, believes Professor X subconsciously broadcast his sexual frustrations into neighbouring consciousnesses: "The man has a history of repressing his urges until they turn into a rampaging psychic monster. And, no, I'm not trying to justify my shooting him in the head. Rationalization is moot when your actions are that much out of character."

Whatever the cause of this scandal, which has shocked the mutant community, the Xavier Institute may never recuperate. "Attendance is dropping exponentially, and that's not even counting all the students slaughtered in New X-Men," laments Cyclops, head of faculty. "If the school were to shut down because of this, who would protect these mutant children? Who would teach them about tolerance and embracing those who are different? A diploma from the Xavier Institute isn't just a piece of paper, you know."

IN RELATED NEWS

Though the popular myth that masturbation turns people blind has long been debunked, comic book experts have uncovered confounding evidence that narration of mutant affairs could, in fact, make you colour blind. No scientific connection has yet been established with the Xavier Institute's shocking sex scandal, but the narrator of The X-Men #2 was immediately fired.

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